“Not married yet?”: A girl’s guide to navigating awkward questions at family gatherings

Keep calm and try these handy tips to ease the tension with inquisitive relatives at your Chinese New Year reunion dinner

For the young ladies and gentlemen out there, family reunions and big festive gatherings can be lots of fun. And by fun, we mean a tad awkward at times. What’s not to love about uncles and aunts probing about your marital status, you ask? Or, in the case of newlyweds, casually inquiring when the first, second, third or next child is on the way? Whether it’s a faux pas or just friendly family chatter, it’s not always easy to escape these intrusive interrogations, especially during Chinese New Year.

As Singaporean journalist Annie Tan poignantly wrote: “Sometimes, Chinese New Year can feel oddly like an Annual General Meeting. You gather together to give a full accounting of your performance during the year to a small group of people... then, everyone publicly discusses and implicitly takes a vote on some very personal issues–your career, body type, love life, fertility and family planning. Somehow, a roundtable of well-meaning relatives and open-faced pineapple tarts has never struck me as quite the place to discuss these difficult and sometimes painful topics.”

Above Photo: Getty

While young men are certainly not exempt from comments like ‘Still not married yet?’ or ‘Why don’t you have a girlfriend?’, our sisters, nieces, daughters or granddaughters in the family are more often than not subject to more nuanced scrutiny from relatives.

From remarks about appearance (“Why have you put on so much weight?”) to outright criticism for prioritising one’s career over finding a life partner, having conversations like these that put you on the spot can make for some rather uncomfortable situations. Thankfully, time is a great teacher. And there is strength in solidarity, it turns out. Inspired by conversations with the ladies of Tatler Malaysia, here is a simple guide to navigating these challenging conversations with grace and grit.

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Use humour to defuse awkward situations

Photo 1 of 2 Excerpts from our past conversations with relatives

Photo 2 of 2 Excerpts from our past conversations with relatives

Are you one of just a few remaining bachelorettes in a room teeming with vocal and curious relatives? Then, count on the question of boyfriends and marriage to arise.

When fielding questions on issues that are more sensitive to you than people realise, it helps to use humour to break your own tension and ease any awkwardness felt by the rest of the room. A lighthearted comeback like “Oh, I have too many boyfriends to pick from; you’ll have to help me choose!” or even a feisty, innocent-eyed rebuttal of “Does this mean you’ll help pay for my wedding?” can cut tension without disrespecting anyone.

Empathy, not anger

Above Excerpts from our past conversations with relatives

True or false: Is insecurity a dish best shared? As a wise lass from the Tatler Dining team opined, many judgmental and hurtful comments from older generations of women stem from insecurity that’s been passed from generations before theirs. Entering awkward conversations from this point of understanding and empathy can make a big difference.

“I don’t think they’ve ever had the same outlets we’ve had to express or process this, so they project the flaws they see in themselves on whatever flaws they feel we have. I usually try to keep a level head and understand that their aunties or mothers probably asked them much more hurtful questions. They’re going to have different expectations of us, and there’s no way to explain that their comments are hurtful. To get through family gatherings, I mostly rely on what the penguins from Madagascar say: ‘Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.’”

Now read: 7 Ways To Build Your Confidence At Social Functions, According to a Speech Coach

Self-respect: The best comeback

Photo 1 of 2 Excerpts from our past conversations with relatives

Photo 2 of 2 Excerpts from our past conversations with relatives

Some relatives are really hard to please–too large, too thin, too perfect. And yet, seeking their approval is still sometimes easier than learning to love and respect ourselves.

Our senior writer puts this into perspective with excellent advice: “Self-love really throws some of my relatives off. When relatives say, ‘Wow, you’ve put on so much weight!’ I reply: ‘Right? I fill out a dress so much better now with all these curves.’”

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Chinese New Year 2024 Chinese New Year gatherings Relationships Marriage Family Women Tips

Tatler Asia

“Not married yet?”: A girl’s guide to navigating awkward questions at family gatherings

Use humour to defuse awkward situations

Empathy, not anger

Self-respect: The best comeback