Baffling times call for creative solutions. Here are nine ways to achieve that stubbornly elusive concept of wellness in 2023
Float in the fizz
Drinking alcohol? Out. Floating in a darkened tank to achieve inner peace? In. Boozing with abandon may be considered somewhat gauche nowadays, but that doesn’t mean you can’t live the champagne lifestyle with a wellness-optimised spin. Fill that pod with Dom Pérignon, lie back and ruminate on the good times. Don’t float tanks require high salinity to lift the body above the liquid line? You’re salty enough, darling.
Wave your right
The reassuring sight of a stanchion rope shows that a venue takes its guesting hierarchy seriously, but who knew everyone’s favourite partition had a use in exercise too? Ditch that cheap-feeling, callus causing battle rope found in gyms for the soft embrace of red velvet, and channel your inner Janet Jackson for a full-body workout that sends a subconscious signal to lesser mortals to stay away, while simultaneously and subtly reaffirming your lofty place in the world. Being a VIP is exhausting.
Slip into something sensuous
Working out using silks sounds terribly luxurious and tantalisingly risqué until you find out that said “silks” are little more than strips of lycra in lurid tones. But aerial yoga—tumbling around alluringly on pieces of suspended fabric while increasing your flexibility and strength—happens to be one of the chicest and most challenging ways to exercise. And so: a trip to the nearest Hermès boutique for a couple of its 140cm scarves will ensure things stay on-brand and allow you to flip from frog pose to inverted bow pose safe in the perfumed embrace of style.
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Run for a cause
There are plenty of worthy causes around town: Tatler HQ is desperate for an onsite mixologist, bottomless lasagne bar and luxury napping pods, for a start. From keeping financially ruined former tycoons in cigars to ensuring your favourite up-and-coming socialite has a legal team intimidating enough to fend off those pesky defamation lawsuits, choose a cause and do your bit for once by pointing your feet towards a purpose and watching the dollars roll in as the pounds fall off. If donors ask, you’re simply raising money for the needy. Revealing specifics would be crass, of course.
Powering up
Only the truly deranged or desperate dare to cycle on the streets of Hong Kong, obviously, but as energy prices rocket, cycling indoors to power a Tesla becomes an appealing option for its dual outcome of fitness and vehicular mobility. In 2020, it took nine Finnish riders 20 minutes to generate 1kW of energy, and the researchers behind the project calculated it would have taken them 85 hours to charge a Roadster. Clearly, none of them ever did an XYZ class. Weaklings.
Crypto cardio
Learning how to enter into the world of Web3 requires mental gymnastics as it is, but throwing your hat into the ring and investing in cryptocurrency or buying an NFT requires an iron constitution and laser-sharp reflexes. As bitcoin swoops, soars then crashes, wiping zillions off its value before shooting back up again, the heart rate differential you’ll experience per week will equal at least five HIIT classes. We promise.
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